Eight Lives Left

Here are some pictures I uploaded to my Snapfish account.

It’s a short film concerning DID and it seems to me that it buys into a lot of the stereotypes.

But I’m sure that doesn’t surprise anyone who reads here.

Things are going as well as can be expected. The wake happened tonight and went as well as these things can. Tomorrow is the funeral and then there’s a couple of days to relax and recover before I fly home.

Somehow I managed to scrape the heck out of my hand while in the shower this morning. There’s no antibiotic cream so I just put a bandaid on it. It’s a little red but mostly just sore. It’s on the base of my thumb which is not a good spot for a scrape. I keep banging it into things!

Missing kitties and L/L, but things are well overall. Nighttime meds got taken and it’ll be bedtime soon. I have to get up early in the morning, blargh. Sleep is good!

I hope everyone is doing well!

I’m doing some unexpected travel this week, and I’m trying to get everything ready before the taxi comes at 7pm. I’ve got clothes and toiletries and shoes and whatnot all packed, and I have the power cords for my cell phone and my kindle and my iPod. I’ve got my work laptop packed along with the power cord and mouse and VPN remote and my work notebook. I’ve contacted work and spoken to my boss and to my main coworker, and sent out an email detailing everything that’s going on this week and what needs to be covered and how to contact me if there’s an emergency. I’ll log on during the week when/if I can, but work isn’t going to be the focus so we’ll just have to see how that goes.

The kitty sitter has been scheduled, and I’m having a guest this coming weekend so I had to contact her and let her know I won’t be around. She has a key so that’s fine, but I wanted to make sure she knew I was out of town. I washed clothes and put them up, and made up my bed so it will be all nice for me when I get home. I contacted the Community Services Board to let them know I was going to miss the Strategic Planning meeting on Tuesday morning. I’ll give her a call when I get back and we can have lunch to go over what I missed and what responsibilities I have.

The house is cluttered but I can’t really help that right now. It’s not awful by any means, so I’m comfortable with people seeing it while I’m not here. I have to start a list of things that need to get done because they didn’t get done in 2009. First off – put together that damned filing cabinet that’s been sitting on my living room floor in pieces for the past six months!

This is the first time I’ve ever flown JetBlue. I’m kinda looking forward to it.

2009 will end in a few days, and I, for one, cannot wait for it to be over. The first 8 months were fine, but the last bit sucked horribly.

1) Beloved kitty died
2) Dead kitty bills
3) Car wreck that was my fault
4) Swine flu, followed by massive sinus infection
5) Layoffs at work, including two people whom I really liked
6) Night spent in hospital thinking I was having a heart attack when really it was a combination of stress-induced acid reflux and stress-induced panic
7) And just now I walked out to go to my psych to get more lovely tranquilizers, and discovered I had a very very incredibly flat tire

The tow truck picked my Jeep up and is bringing it to my mechanic for various things that I am sure will be expensive (tires, brakes checked, oil change, general go-over that hasn’t been done since the accident). Also I haven’t been sleeping well and the nightmares have returned.

So overall I’m a bit grumpy, very much out of oomph, and really frickin’ sick of 2009.

2010 has got to be better.

(You you you you you…)
You haven’t seen the world outside for days.
You sleep,
You hope,
You wait.
Imagination disappears and all the dreams you have,
You save.
Confrontation like a mirror they try to take your mind… away.

(Hey hey)
I don’t know, but I believe in yesterday
And what it means to bleed
And know that you’re okay.
(Are you waiting?)
No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
No matter what I’m always right there behind you.
No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
No matter what I’m always right there behind you.

(You you you you you…)
Bombarded by the atmosphere
You breathe,
You choke,
You breathe, again.
Conversation disappears,
You realize they’re not your friends.
The panic of the future rears.
You dig,
You jerk,
You find another way.

(Hey hey)
I don’t know, but I believe in yesterday
And what it means to bleed
And know that you’re okay.

(Are you waiting?)
No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
No matter what I’m always right there behind you.
No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
No matter what I’m always right there behind you.

You opened up my veins,
No I don’t feel the same. (no no no)
You opened up my brain,
But I won’t be replaced. (no no no)

(X4)
No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
No matter what I’m always right there behind you.

I think I’m going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow for an appointment. I think I need some more anti-anxiety medication. I’ve never really had panic attacks before, but I seem to be having something similar to them now. I think what put me in the hospital last month was a combination of a stress-induced panic attack and stress-induced acid reflux. The Nexium has helped with the latter, and I think I need something more for the panic bit. Given that I did end up in the hospital, I’m pretty sure my psych will agree to give me something mild to have around for the bad nights. There have been a lot of bad nights recently, of which this is one.

I’m doing some navel-gazing. I’m wondering how it is I can always say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. I’ve had too many people over the course of my life accuse me of it, and the common factor is me, so I’m wondering how it is I manage it so consistently. I try very hard to be supportive and aware and helpful. I think a lot about other people. One of the hardest things about being far more careful with money is that I can’t do all the little things I used to do for people. I get a lot of pleasure from giving. But I guess being generous and being aware of the other people’s needs aren’t necessarily the same thing. It makes me feel trapped. It makes me feel afraid to open my mouth ever ever because if I do, something bad will happen from it. It’s not a good feeling. I sometimes wonder if I’m a self-centered prick.

I have spent my whole life feeling like I always say the wrong thing, and that I often get jumped when I try to express myself. It started with my mother when I was young and has just continued on. It must be me. It’s hard to feel like I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about anything, really. In a lot of ways my life experiences have been, if not unique, definitely on the fringe of things. Even so, I don’t think I’m a special little snowflake. I know everyone feels like this at one time or another, and in the end it really is impossible to get into anyone’s head fully. There’s a lot of things that everyone just has to face alone.

Knowing it happens to everyone doesn’t make it suck any less, though.

I haven’t written here in a long time. Life’s been sort of sucky. I’m feeling annoyed and conflicted and tired and sad and depressed and overwhelmed and the idea of even leaving the house is too much. Chores aren’t getting done. Things are cluttered in my house. That’s a sure sign that my head is having trouble.

I don’t even feel up to typing about it all. I just want to hunker down and get through it and keep on keepin’ on. I’m not suicidal, it’s nothing like that. That sort of depression seems to be gone for good, for which I am grateful, but I’m definitely dealing with some down in the dumps syndrome.

Time for bed. Night!