Eight Lives Left

I’m finally reading my copy of “Disarming the Narcissist.”

Writing somewhere else for a while. This blog won’t be going away, though.

I have got a tremendous headache from taking too many pills. Not too many pills as in harming myself, but too many pills as in I really want to sleep right now and I want to not wake up for five hours at least. Klonopin always does this to me. I took some Tylenol, but it is so very ineffective. Stupid Tylenol. Also, I realized I hadn’t eaten or had caffeine all day so that’s surely contributing to it. I’m on my 2nd Diet Pepsi now and I had some cheese and crackers.

You know, some parts of my life are so easy and everything fits in its place and I know what I’m doing, and other parts of my life seem geared to make me feel like I’m the most incredible fuckup ever and will never get it right and I just have no idea where the difference comes in or how to resolve it. It’s ughmonkey and fucking annoying.

Would be to just curl up in bed for two or three days with kitties and not deal with work or relationships or anything outside at all. I feel stretched thin and boxed in on myself, which I suppose are contradictory feelings but, regardless, I feel both ways simultaneously. I flirt with the idea of going back into therapy, but I have an idea of what she’d say and it’s really not anything I haven’t told myself before. I dunno. It would be nice to just have some space to think. My brain is too cluttered right now.

Well, I changed my mind and went ahead and marked down to call my therapist in the morning, and see if she’s still taking appointments. I think she is, and she might make an exception for me since she saw me for so long. I think it’s been about three years since I’ve seen her, though. I probably won’t like what she has to say, but that’s generally how therapy goes, you know. Facing the hard stuff.

Old man look at my life
I’m a lot like you were
Old man look at my life
I’m a lot like you were

Old man look at my life
Twenty-four
And there’s so much more
Live alone in a paradise
That makes me think of two

Love lost, such a cost
Give me things
That don’t get lost
Like a coin that won’t get tossed
Rolling home to you

Old man take a look at my life
I’m a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that’s true

Lullabies, look in your eyes
Run around the same old town
Doesn’t mean that much to me
To mean that much to you

I’ve been first and last
Look at how the time goes past
But I’m all alone at last
Rolling home to you

Old man take a look at my life
I’m a lot like you
I need someone to love me
The whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
And you can tell that’s true

Old man look at my life
I’m a lot like you were
Old man look at my life
I’m a lot like you were

Things have been pretty difficult lately. My stomach and esophagus are giving me a lot of trouble what with all the gastritis and ulcers and acid reflux and such. It’s really uncomfortable and it’s affecting my sleep (as you can probably tell, since I’m posting this at nearly 5am in the morning), which makes me grumpy. There’s also a life situation and a bit of drama that are causing stress, and of course work is always somewhat of a cluster fuck. Lea will be here next weekend which will be very nice, and JeAnne is coming up to visit while she’s here, so I’m really looking forward to that. Of course I have to go to COS for work the same day that Lea flies back to Boston, so that’s suckful. I’m not looking forward to traveling again for a whole week and leaving the kitties. I worry so much about them when I’m gone, because they’re so old now. But I’m grateful to have a job, so I’ll deal with the travel and see how it goes.

I did buy a new-to-me car last week, which is exciting. It’s a maroon 2010 Hyundai Sonata and it’s really nice. I’m keeping the Jeep for my nephew to drive when he gets his learner’s permit next year. My sister and I worked out the money, and I’m glad that the Jeep will stay in the family. I love that car so much, but it’s 11 years old and it’s time. The new car is named Bert, because she is bertiful.

I also bought a netbook this week, because I absolutely cannot use the work laptop for personal stuff and I can’t really face being away from email and such for a whole week. I do get my email on my BlackBerry, but the BB can’t do everything I want to do online, like keep track of paperbackswap.com. It’s a Dell. I bought an external CD-ROM drive to go with it in hopes I could get WoW loaded and at least do my dailies and farm if not raid. We’ll see. I actually doubt it can do even that much, but if it can I’ll be happy. It’s going to suck missing a whole week of raids!

You know what’s hardest about the stomach stuff? I deal with stress by eating, and the eating upsets my stomach, which causes me stress, and it’s this whole circular thing that gets my brain in knots. Blargh.

I need to make a shopping list for Lea’s visit. I need all the stuff to make cookiecakepie, and whole milk and Dr. Pepper for her, and I should probably plan some meals. Since I’m not sleeping anyway, I’ll make a list!

I’m feeling a bit blarghy and overwhelmed. My home office is messy and I have chores to do, but I don’t have the energy to do them. Maybe it’s the heat wave.

I am going to take my meds and climb into bed early. With kitties. And a book.

Strangely
my mother’s sad eyes
did not show up
on the X-ray
though I had long since
swallowed
all her sorrows
and they should have been
right there
where the pain IS

nor my father’s
old loves
which should have been
THERE
cavorting
heedless of fluoroscopic
voyeurs

nor was the little boy
loveless and snotnosed
who’d been entombed
for sure
there
years ago
in sight.

Perhaps he hid
behind the spleen
behind the ribs
Oh he is out of hiding now
and is drumming drumming
drumming my heart.

Sooo, my stream of bad luck is continuing in some once-removed forms. The latest is that my brother’s wife has lung cancer. I’m not close to her, and I’m certainly not close to him, but it’s still sad news. On a more personal front, my wrist and forefinger have been giving me a lot of trouble on my right hand. I’ve bought a selection of wrist braces and heating pads in hopes it’ll help, but I’ll also bring it up to my doctor when I see him later this month for my thyroid workup. Overall I’ve just not been feeling very healthy and that’s sort of suckful.

Kitties are doing well, though, and I’m continuing my Federal job hunt, and work is bothersome and annoying but I have a job and my bosses like me and I can pay my mortgage, so I guess really it doesn’t get much better than that.

Tomorrow I’m working a health fair, sitting at the FLMH table and explaining mental illness to clueless people. Should be interesting.

I’ve invited a gaming friend to read here, which is a bit of a departure from the norm for me. I tend to be intensely private in a lot of ways, and this is the place where, when I bother to write, I let it all hang out. I’m feeling a bit nervous about it, although I feel sure it’ll be ok. I wouldn’t have given the link if I didn’t have a good feeling about J. It’s just odd because I tend to keep this blog where I’m known as Ell far away from the parts of my life where I’m known as Lianlin or Laura. Convergence is change and change is scary.

I keep starting up side blogs, like for travel or book reviews or whatever, and it’s sort of silly because if I just gave out this link more often I could put it all in one spot. But then people would also be seeing my rants and my bouts of depression and those are just sort of… intimate.

Well. My book review blog will be coming down and I’ll just add those posts here, since reading voraciously is definitely one of my hobbies and it might as well be here. The travel blog will remain separate since it’s for my sister and I and our varied trips large and small.

And maybe later I’ll give the link to some other friends of the non-gaming sort, but only if I do start writing in here regularly.

Enough babbling for now. It’s midnight and I need to get my patootie into the bed.