Eight Lives Left

There was a bit of conversation, and some looking at old things, and then Lynn pointed out how deep my scars run when it comes to Terra. And she’s right. They do.

Terra really really hurt me. Here is it, what, four years later and I still feel it. Some might call it obsession, and I’m sure that’s a factor. Some might call it an inability to let go of drama, and there’d be some truth in that as well.

But the heart of it is that I loved her. I really really really loved her. I’m not sure she knows that. Maybe I didn’t know it either.

So it goes.

I keep remembering how he asked me to go with him when he had to have his old kitty Kit put to sleep. He cried in my arms afterwards and I rocked him. He asked me to hold his mother’s ashes for him when we all made the move to Colorado because I was going first and he knew I’d be very careful and respectful of the urn. He came to me for advice and I went to him for advice.

And then I called him on being hypocritical about something and he went nuts on me. He physically threatened me, tried to hurt me verbally with the most vicious things he could think of, and sent me taunting emails for years after we had stopped being friends. Some of you might remember that period because it was right around the time I started writing in a journal as well. So I know what he was capable of, but I also know he cried about his mom and his cat.

Well. Even my ex-husband cried after he’d killed my kitties. Maybe tears don’t mean much.

Sometimes you have to say “Ok, whatever” and let people do what they’re going to do. As much as you might like to (I know we would!), you can’t control the world or other people or anything really other than your own behavior and emotions. That is everyone’s true sphere of influence. The rest of it is either an illusion or subject to being deposed without warning.

Periodically I struggle with this because there are things I would very much like changed, but they won’t be and I have to deal with that as best I can. A lot of dealing with it is simply learning to step away and say to myself “This is beyond my control and I’m going to turn my mind to other things now.” It’s hard, though. It’s one of those lessons you can’t just learn with one iteration; it has to be gone over a multitude of times before it really starts to sink in. It’s that whole Buddhist let-go-of-attachment thing - emotions, things, people, all of it. Letting go is hard!

Last week was spent in an emotional turmoil because I couldn’t let go. This week has been slow and down because I couldn’t let go. It’s easing up bit by bit, though, and I’m hopeful that next week will see us back on track and reasonably bereft of expectations for anyone other than ourselves. You have to take care of yourself first because that’s the only way you can be sure it’ll get done. Also, how can you take care of other people if you aren’t making sure your own needs are met? You just can’t.

And third chances and fourth chances.

This comes up because someone that I have had more than one wrangle with in the past (sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly), just told me I was a treasure. My response was “I didn’t used to be, but I got better.” I was thinking in particular of all the mad dramaz that happened around DP and certain systems a couple of years ago (has it really been that long? wow). I know I behaved badly in a lot of ways and I’m not proud of it. I am, however, proud that I managed to step away and stay far from drama of that type ever since. I learned, I think, how who you associate with can affect you, and how to choose more wisely. Things have been good since then. The depression is gone, I’ve gotten multiple bonuses and raises at work, I’m about to finish my second master’s degree, and I have a small but incredibly wonderful group of friends. It’s been a very productive two years, and I think in part it’s because I grew up a lot.

I am really really pleased with my life just now.

And I’m very grateful that so many good people gave me the second and third and fourth chances I needed.

You never do know what’s going to come up, eh? We stopped therapy last, um, April or so, but I’m thinking it might be time to go back for a while. It’s hard when people can’t hear each other. Sometimes you just have to let it go and batten down the hatches until the storm blows over.

Speaking of which, I surely do wish we would get some snow here. Stupid climate change.